4 Years

I've been trying to write this post for the past 2 weeks. I was telling Lauren about this and she said that I should just sit down and write. Don't worry about it making sense or editing out the stuff I may not want certain people to read. So here goes...

This is a hard post for me to write, and I'm sure for some with will be hard to read. This month 4 years ago I sat in my dorm room with all the lights off, crying and almost ended my life. I was horribly depressed and just ready to be done with feeling all the pain, hurt, and never fully feeling okay. I can't really tell you what stopped me from taking the pills. It wasn't some act of God or a determination to live and push through. I just didn't take them and I am SO glad I didn't.
I don't talk about that night very often, and when I do it's said almost in passing. The same goes with talking about my battle with depression and an eating disorder. I think sometimes I want to pretend it never happened because that means there is never the possibility that it will happen again. I also pretend it never happened because I get angry, really angry. I feel like my teen years and a good portion of college was stolen from me because I was just trying to make from one day to the next. I wanted so desperately to feel ok. To feel normal (whatever that means) I was so consumed by this never ending sadness that I missed what was going on around me. I missed enjoying being young and having little responsibility. I missed truly enjoying the friends I had and the opportunities that were presented.
But as much as all of that makes me angry I can't dwell on it. I have to focus on the present and what is in store for me in the future. I also have to continually remind myself that my depression and eating disorder helped to make me who I am today, but they don't define me. I am so much more than a diagnosis.
I want to take the time right now to thank those who stood next to me walked through the darkness and into the light and who continually stand next to me and I navigate through life. For those who put their lives on hold to listen to me talk, who held me when I cried, and who encouraged me to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up. I want to thank those who never gave up on me. I can never thank you enough. You will forever be a part of my life and a reason I am who I am.


Love and miss you all
<3