4 Years

I've been trying to write this post for the past 2 weeks. I was telling Lauren about this and she said that I should just sit down and write. Don't worry about it making sense or editing out the stuff I may not want certain people to read. So here goes...

This is a hard post for me to write, and I'm sure for some with will be hard to read. This month 4 years ago I sat in my dorm room with all the lights off, crying and almost ended my life. I was horribly depressed and just ready to be done with feeling all the pain, hurt, and never fully feeling okay. I can't really tell you what stopped me from taking the pills. It wasn't some act of God or a determination to live and push through. I just didn't take them and I am SO glad I didn't.
I don't talk about that night very often, and when I do it's said almost in passing. The same goes with talking about my battle with depression and an eating disorder. I think sometimes I want to pretend it never happened because that means there is never the possibility that it will happen again. I also pretend it never happened because I get angry, really angry. I feel like my teen years and a good portion of college was stolen from me because I was just trying to make from one day to the next. I wanted so desperately to feel ok. To feel normal (whatever that means) I was so consumed by this never ending sadness that I missed what was going on around me. I missed enjoying being young and having little responsibility. I missed truly enjoying the friends I had and the opportunities that were presented.
But as much as all of that makes me angry I can't dwell on it. I have to focus on the present and what is in store for me in the future. I also have to continually remind myself that my depression and eating disorder helped to make me who I am today, but they don't define me. I am so much more than a diagnosis.
I want to take the time right now to thank those who stood next to me walked through the darkness and into the light and who continually stand next to me and I navigate through life. For those who put their lives on hold to listen to me talk, who held me when I cried, and who encouraged me to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up. I want to thank those who never gave up on me. I can never thank you enough. You will forever be a part of my life and a reason I am who I am.


Love and miss you all
<3

My Future

February marks 6 months since I moved down to FL to volunteer. While some weeks seemed to drag on forever the last few months have simply flown by. This means that i only have 6 more months to do everything that I wanted to do, to explore this state, and spend as much time as possible with the people who have become my family. But this also means that I have maybe 3 months to figure out what it is I want to do when my year is done. One of the reasons I decided to do a year of service was to take some time off from school. To clear my head and get away from test, papers, and projects. I thought that by coming down here it would just be a little vacation from school and a snippet of the real world and what to expect when I was ready to enter it permanently.


So what conclusions about my life have I come to in the past 6 months and what are the otions I see for my future. Well for one I don't really want to go back to school. I know I have to because there is no way to get a job as a counselor without a masters. But bleh!
I have also discovered that the idea of graduating and being in one place at one job until I retire DOES NOT sounds fun to me. I like moving around and trying new things, new jobs, new experiences.
Finally whether I get a full time job in some other area or decide to do another year of service with AmeriCorp, or even if I decide to go to grad school I don't know where I want to do it. For the first few months I whined and was adimit that as soon as possible I was going to get out of FL and return to IN to my friends, family, and familiarity. But things have changed. WHile I'm not 100% sold on staying in FL, I know what I would be leaving if I went back to IN, and to think about that makes me want to cry. I also have an idea of what would happen if I moved back and that idea doesn't appeal to me either.

So yeah as of right now the plan for the future changes sometimes on a daily basis. I would greatly appreciate prayer for discernment, trust, and wisdom and I move forward in making decisions. Also if any of you have any words of wisdom or ideas, or people that are looking for a counselor without a masters let me know.

Love and miss you all
<3