Wall

Back in the corner up against the wall she sits at the table alone.

Shunned for her actions, discarded for her lies, life goes on around her.

She wants to reach out to say she’s sorry and she was wrong but the wall feels to tall.

The wall of anger and resentment, of intrusion and distrust and unstated hurt feelings

The table used to hold others and together they laughed about the world around them. But now her laughter feels forced, foreign to her own ears.

She tries to find something to grasp onto to stay above the water but the lifesaver seems to do nothing but bring the water higher.

Disapproval and judgment are thrown at her like darts at a board. So she continues to hide, to lie and live in her own world. Shutting out those that used to surround her but who now seem like strangers.

But she refuses to shut down. Grasping on to that sliver of hope she slowly takes a step forward longing for the brick to crumble in her fingers and for the wall to disappear.

A New Cast of Characters

I told my mom that I would put up a list of the people I would be living, working, and interacting with for the next 4 months so when I talk to her she can have some sort of a clue who I'm talking about.

Josh, Kraig, Nichole, Lauren- my fellow interns and roommates
Jamie- founder of TWLOHA and creative director
Rich- Director of operations
Jessica- operations coordinator
Chris-director of new media
Denny- director of university chapters
Katie-event coordinator
James- graphic designer
Lindsay- intern program director and imalive project manager
Chloe- street team and benefit coordinator
Chad- music and events and road warrior
Kaitlyn- MOVE community conference project manager and editor
Whitney- administrative assistant
Holly- University chapter coordinator and office manger
Harbor
Shannon
Emily
Quentin



So yeppers my new community. They are a great group of people and I can't wait to get to know them more.

Love and miss you all

Last Few Weeks

The last week of July I was in the Parkside house by myself. It was very weird and very quiet. I would basically come home from work and go to my room. O n Friday of that week which was my last day of work, everyone threw me a surprise going away party. It was so sweet. They had a cake, punch, flowers, and a balloon. Everyone gave me a card. It was so sweet. By the time the party was over it was time for me to leave. I headed out and went to meet Tina, Amanda, and Kyle for dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. they got sushi but I don't like seafood so I quickly looked at the menu had no clue what anything was and just picked something. I have never done that before. I'm a pretty picky eater and when I go to restaurants I usually get the sames things every time. So for me to pick something with having no clue whats in it is a pretty big deal. Anyways it ended up being this really good broth with onions, noodles, flank steak, and some other stuff that I couldn't tell you in it. I thought it was really good. :)
After dinner Tina had to go help at something at work so Amanda, Kyle, and I went back to my house had cake and hung out and talked until Tina was done. Then we went and helped Tina and Amanda finish cleaning and packing up their stuff. Well I supervised. Since all their furniture had been moved out of their apartment Tina had moved into Parkside with me and Amanda came over and had a sleepover too. Saturday morning Amanda left.

Saturday night one of the new CVs Kristina showed up and the two of us had dinner and hung out and then I went and picked up Rachel at the airport. Both girls stayed the night. Sunday the four of us went to breakfast and they went off to the retreat center. Later that night Tina and I went and played games with the CVs and then had dinner with them. It was a surreal experience being back at San Pedro and sitting in that circle of chairs. Tina and i went back on Tuesday had dinner with them again and along with some other alumni talked about community and what we leaned from our year.

That weekend Tina, Seth (Tina's boyfriend), and I were going to be driving up to GA for Agatas wedding. We were going to leave Saturday morning expecting the CVs to move in sometime in the afternoon. Well around Wednesday we realized that the retreat was ending Friday at 10am. So there was a mad dash from my end to finish getting my room packed up and to get the house cleaned. The girls who were living Parkside this year arrived around 12 and I sat at the kitchen table and watched them move in. Again really weird. We had talked with Elaine and she had said it was ok for was to crash at the house that night. I was going down to Cocoa to see Erin and Chelsea who were in town visiting so I decided to ask if I could stay down there and just leave from Cocoa in the morning.

Cocoa was so much fun. I stayed with Holly. Erin, Chelsea, and i went out to dinner and then hung out at the house waiting for Holly to get off of work. Then the 4 of us went over to Paddy Cassidys, a local pub. Damion Suomi was playing that night and we all really like his music. It was a great night. There were two of the current interns there Gavin and Carra. We realized that there were 4 "generations" of interns together. Holly was an intern Fall of 09. Chelsea and Erin were interns Spring of 10. Carra and Gavin were interns Summer of 10, and I am an intern Fall 10. It was very cool to think about.

So i got up very early the next morning after getting about 3 hours of sleep and drove 5 hours to Statesboro, GA. It was full of lots of caffeine and loud music to stay awake. I got there about 2 hours before the wedding checked into the hotel and got ready. The wedding was beautiful and Agata looked beautiful. The reception was a lot of fun. There were a lot of young people there so people were dancing. Plus there was free wine and beer :) The next morning after breakfast with Tina and Seth i drove 4 hours back to FL and moved in with Linda for the week.

On Monday I spent the day at Pathways helping Katina the new CV who took over my position get oriented and tell her about the positions. I think she'll do well. The rest of the week was spent getting ready and just hanging out around the house. It was really nice. Linda cooked and I had a delicious home cooked meal Monday and Tuesday night. Her son Paul is a chef and he came over Tuesday night for dinner and brought some stuff. Wednesday night we ordered pizza and Thursday she took me out for Mexican and ice cream. It was like being home with a mom again. It was nice having someone to take care of me for a little bit. Friday afternoon I packed up and I drove down to Cocoa to move into the inter house and begin my new adventure.

The last year has been an incredible up and down crazy adventure. I have learned so much. some of it the hard way but I learned it non the less. I'm excited to move on and get to know all the new people coming into my life and to use the skills I have learned in school and through life.

Love and miss you all

End of a Year

In two weeks my year of service comes to an end, its mind boggling to me that an entire year has gone by. I can distinctly remember sitting in the hotel room after dropping my mom off at the airport and thinking, “this is going to be the longest year ever “ and now it’s almost over. When I came to FL I had this idea in my head about changing the world. To me being a hero and changing the world were doing things like finding a cure for cancer, or ending a war, or finding some big discovery. I think this is the thought of a lot of people today. But what I have discovered this year that to me it’s not the big people of this country like the president, the military leaders, CEOs, or even the people who run the non profits that are the heroes and the world changers and it’s not the grand gestures either. I’ve discovered that it’s the little things that can change the world. It’s a smile and a hello. It’s painting a picture and talking and sharing stories from when you were little. Its dropping what you are doing and rushing to a friend’s side when they need you. It’s holding a child when they are crying. It’s helping someone when no one else will. So even though there were and are days where I feel so completely and utterly frustrated and I can’t even begun to see the point of me being down here I do know that what I have done down here this year has made a difference.

I have loved, laughed, cried, fought, and been furious this year. I’ve grown up this year. I’ve seen life outside the safety of college, family, and familiarity and the best part is I survived and even flourished. Even though I can complain a lot about this year and the situations I’ve been put in, I am SO glad that I came down here. If I didn’t come to FL I never would have met the amazing people that I did. I wouldn’t be able to count the 16 other CVs as part of my family. I never would have attended the MOVE conference with TWLOHA and then I never would have met Brandi, Erin, and Chelsea who then encouraged me to apply for the internship. If I wasn’t living in FL I never would have had the courage to apply and now I am going to be experiencing one of my dreams. Working with an organization that I deeply respect and in a field that is near and dear to my heart.
But mixed in with the excitement of the internship and the thoughts of new friends and new adventure is the bittersweet thoughts of saying goodbye. The 16 people I have lived with this year have become so very dear to me. They have walked along side me during some very hard times. I will miss them terribly and the thought of saying goodbye breaks my heart. And I swear if one more adult tells me this is normal for someone my age and I’ll see them again and they’ll still be in my heart blah blah blah I swear I will scream. Haha I know they are well meaning but it sucks and it hurts. Anyways life is good and I never in a million years imagined that a year out of college that this is where I would be. I always thought that I would be in grad by now. I don’t regret though and I couldn’t happier about the choices that led me here.

An Updately Sort of Thing

I have gotten horrible about updating this blog and since I only have a month left down here I thought I would pop in and let all 8 of you fabulous people who read this a look into the past few months. Well there has been a week long retreat. Where we had a day of silence. I did amazingly well. There was about an hour where I faltered a bit but eh oh well Jesus forgives me. I also bashed my head open and may or may not have gotten a concussion (if you ask I'll show you the scar). There was a 2 hour game of sardines where an 1 of it was spent looking for 1 guy. There was also a talent show full of stories, interpretive corn hole dance, rap songs, Broadway songs, Polish songs with words that sounds like bad words in English, and judges that were a bit sketchy. And to end the week a trip to Taco Johns and an Alumni party.

I also had the chance to go to Cocoa and hang out with the girls who I had met at MOVE and were intern with TWLOHA. It was wonderful. We had lunch at Ryans a pizza place in the village and spent a few hours at the beach. Then I made all the girls lunch back a the bungalow. It was a great day and i absolutely love spending time with all of them. I've spent very little time with the girls but especially Erin, Brandi, and Chelsea, but I feel so close to them. I consider them to be good friends. :)

One of the best things to be going on recently is that I have applied to be an intern for To Write Love On Her Arms. Last week I got an email stating that I got through the first round of applications and they wanted to interview me. So I set up an interview with Lindsay the intern director for this past Tuesday. I think interview went really well. Lindsay told me that I would know either the first or second week of July whether or not I got the internship.

The internship is 4 months long, August 16-December 10. If I don't get the internship the plan is to come home, find a job, start saving money, and go to grad school.

So yeah those are the big things that have been going on. Other than that, I've just been going to work and hanging out with my friends.

Love and miss you all

Easter in Atlanta

The week after going to the baseball game I only worked 3 1/2 days. Friday was good Friday and Thursday i took a half day so I could drive to Atlanta to spend Easter with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. Chaleece and I drove up on Thursday and Tine drove up on Friday after work.



Friday we all just laid around the house. The basement is basically like an apartment and he bedroom down there is amazing! The bed is so soft and comfortable and there are no windows so it is pitch black with the lights off. You have no way of knowing what time it is. It was so nice. Savannah, Katie, Challece, and I ran a few errands with aunt Barb and when we got back to the house we dyed Easter eggs. will admit that on the outside I was rolling my eyes doing the whole "I'm 23 and WAY to old to be doing this." But on the inside I was squealing and had a stupid grin on my face. So the 4 of us girls dyed eggs and Savannah managed to spill orange dye all down her leg and her foot was that color for a few hours.

Tina arrived around 11pm as everyone was heading to bed. The next morning we all got up and along with a friend of Katie's went to the World of Coke. It was really cool. It had been many, many years since I had been there and they had done a bunch of renovations. Chaleece was in heaven running around touching and looking at everything :) It was really cool. They had a 4-D short video. I was a little wary at first because i was traumatized by the Honey i Shrunk The Audience movie at Disney World when i was 8. So I pretty much hate 3D movies. But I survived. Actually I just stared at the bottom of the screen and kinda watched the movie through my eyelashes. haha

So we headed back to the house and just spent the evening watching movies and relaxing. Sunday we got up and went to Dunwoody for church. Tina, Chaleece, Savannah and I went to Sunday school with Savannah. It was a good message. It was great people kept asking what grade we were in and what school we went to. Plus most of teh room was full of adorable, awkward middle school boys. So the 3 of us went to big people church and then home. My mom had called my aunt and told her to get me chocolate bunny since she didn't get a chance to. My aunt made a basket not only for me and her kids but for Chaleece and Tina. It was a wonderful surprise. A Friend of Aunt Barb's came over and we had Easter dinner. Again the rest of the evening was spent relaxing there was a house wide nap at one point which was wonderful :)

Savannah recently got a recording studio type computer program and basically has a recording studio in the basement. A while back she said she would help me put music to some lyrics that I had written. So the two of us spent a few hours playing around. Then a friend of Savannah's came over and we were about to eat dinner when Aunt Barb starts saying "oh no we didn't have the egg hunt." So at 7:30 with the last bits of light Chaleece, Tina, and I hid Easter eggs and Katie went looking for them. There were 47 eggs I think and we hid them all. By the time Katie got outside though it was pretty much dark so she couldn't find all of the eggs. It was decided that she was going to go looking for them the next day. I'm not sure if they have found them all yet.

Monday morning Chaleece, Tina, and I got up early and headed off to the retreat center, which we had to get there by 4pm. it was a wonderful relaxing weekend. I got to sleep in, I didn't have to worry about work, or cooking, or cleaning. It was wonderful mini vaca. Plus I love spending time with my family.

Love and miss you all

A Visit, A Funeral, A Bar, And A Baseball Game

Ok this is the next week starting with Saturday night.

So I got home around 6:30pm that night and unpacked. My parents and sister were flying in to spend the week in FL. They got in around 7 and I met them at the condo where they were staying for the week. I got there and we ordered pizza and just relaxed. Everyone was tired. The next day Em and I slept in until 2pm which was SO wonderful since I had not done that in forever and just had two nights where I was up until around 3am. We spent Sunday hanging around the condo and went grocery shopping. I ended up going back to my house since I wasn’t sure what the traffic was going to be like to get to work. So while I was at work Monday the family just laid around the pool and dad went fishing. I went over to the condo after work that night and we were making dinner when we got a call from the nursing home that my grandma had passed away. At that point all hell kind of broke loose. Tuesday Dad and Emily came and painted the intake bathroom and Mom and Emily came on Wednesday and the three of us went shopping for towels and such. The bathroom is gorgeous and Jane is absolutely thrilled with it. I am in the process of doing something similar in the intake room and the walls around the reception desk.

Thursday mom, dad, and Emily went to epcot and I worked. Then Friday I went over to the condo after work. I was going to fly home with them on Saturday for the funeral. On Saturday our check out time was 11 but we didn’t need to be at the airport until around 4pm. So we just laid by the pool for several hours. It was nice. I got some sun. Well I got sunburnt actually. So we flew home and mom’s friends picked us up at the airport. The next 6 days were a whirlwind of plan making, people and pretty much stuff that I didn’t want to deal with. Monday I had the chance to spend a few hours with my good friends Lauren. We met or lunch at Paradise bakery, then went shopping, and got our nails done. It was wonderful to see her. I miss her terribly and it was a nice distraction from the events. Afterwards I went over and hung out with Kami for a couple hours and talked with her and saw her kids.

The funeral was absolutely beautiful and def what my grandma would have wanted. She did plan it all herself after all. I said two verses at the service and then read a poem at the graveside. I flew back to Orlando on Thursday and went back to work on Friday.

Friday night, Lauren, Chaleece, Chaleece’s cousin, Amanda, and I went to a piano bar in downtown Disney. I was a dueling pianos thing. People wrote down their requests and put them along with a tip on the piano and the guys played the songs. The guys playing were hilarious and they played some really good stuff. We all had a lot of fun and didn’t get home until 2am. Saturday Lauren, Amanda, Neal, and I went to Tampa. Lauren, Amanda, Neal, and Jonathan went to Busch Gardens and I stayed at home and was a couch potato. The next morning the 5 of us drove to Ft. Meyers to see a Twins vs. Red Sox spring training game. It was fun, I’m not a big baseball fan but I enjoyed the company and the weather was nice. We drove back to Tampa after the game dropped Jonathan of and then drove home. In all we spent a total of 7 out of 24 hours in the car and since we took my car needless to say I was sick of driving by the end of the weekend.