Wall

Back in the corner up against the wall she sits at the table alone.

Shunned for her actions, discarded for her lies, life goes on around her.

She wants to reach out to say she’s sorry and she was wrong but the wall feels to tall.

The wall of anger and resentment, of intrusion and distrust and unstated hurt feelings

The table used to hold others and together they laughed about the world around them. But now her laughter feels forced, foreign to her own ears.

She tries to find something to grasp onto to stay above the water but the lifesaver seems to do nothing but bring the water higher.

Disapproval and judgment are thrown at her like darts at a board. So she continues to hide, to lie and live in her own world. Shutting out those that used to surround her but who now seem like strangers.

But she refuses to shut down. Grasping on to that sliver of hope she slowly takes a step forward longing for the brick to crumble in her fingers and for the wall to disappear.

A New Cast of Characters

I told my mom that I would put up a list of the people I would be living, working, and interacting with for the next 4 months so when I talk to her she can have some sort of a clue who I'm talking about.

Josh, Kraig, Nichole, Lauren- my fellow interns and roommates
Jamie- founder of TWLOHA and creative director
Rich- Director of operations
Jessica- operations coordinator
Chris-director of new media
Denny- director of university chapters
Katie-event coordinator
James- graphic designer
Lindsay- intern program director and imalive project manager
Chloe- street team and benefit coordinator
Chad- music and events and road warrior
Kaitlyn- MOVE community conference project manager and editor
Whitney- administrative assistant
Holly- University chapter coordinator and office manger
Harbor
Shannon
Emily
Quentin



So yeppers my new community. They are a great group of people and I can't wait to get to know them more.

Love and miss you all

Last Few Weeks

The last week of July I was in the Parkside house by myself. It was very weird and very quiet. I would basically come home from work and go to my room. O n Friday of that week which was my last day of work, everyone threw me a surprise going away party. It was so sweet. They had a cake, punch, flowers, and a balloon. Everyone gave me a card. It was so sweet. By the time the party was over it was time for me to leave. I headed out and went to meet Tina, Amanda, and Kyle for dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. they got sushi but I don't like seafood so I quickly looked at the menu had no clue what anything was and just picked something. I have never done that before. I'm a pretty picky eater and when I go to restaurants I usually get the sames things every time. So for me to pick something with having no clue whats in it is a pretty big deal. Anyways it ended up being this really good broth with onions, noodles, flank steak, and some other stuff that I couldn't tell you in it. I thought it was really good. :)
After dinner Tina had to go help at something at work so Amanda, Kyle, and I went back to my house had cake and hung out and talked until Tina was done. Then we went and helped Tina and Amanda finish cleaning and packing up their stuff. Well I supervised. Since all their furniture had been moved out of their apartment Tina had moved into Parkside with me and Amanda came over and had a sleepover too. Saturday morning Amanda left.

Saturday night one of the new CVs Kristina showed up and the two of us had dinner and hung out and then I went and picked up Rachel at the airport. Both girls stayed the night. Sunday the four of us went to breakfast and they went off to the retreat center. Later that night Tina and I went and played games with the CVs and then had dinner with them. It was a surreal experience being back at San Pedro and sitting in that circle of chairs. Tina and i went back on Tuesday had dinner with them again and along with some other alumni talked about community and what we leaned from our year.

That weekend Tina, Seth (Tina's boyfriend), and I were going to be driving up to GA for Agatas wedding. We were going to leave Saturday morning expecting the CVs to move in sometime in the afternoon. Well around Wednesday we realized that the retreat was ending Friday at 10am. So there was a mad dash from my end to finish getting my room packed up and to get the house cleaned. The girls who were living Parkside this year arrived around 12 and I sat at the kitchen table and watched them move in. Again really weird. We had talked with Elaine and she had said it was ok for was to crash at the house that night. I was going down to Cocoa to see Erin and Chelsea who were in town visiting so I decided to ask if I could stay down there and just leave from Cocoa in the morning.

Cocoa was so much fun. I stayed with Holly. Erin, Chelsea, and i went out to dinner and then hung out at the house waiting for Holly to get off of work. Then the 4 of us went over to Paddy Cassidys, a local pub. Damion Suomi was playing that night and we all really like his music. It was a great night. There were two of the current interns there Gavin and Carra. We realized that there were 4 "generations" of interns together. Holly was an intern Fall of 09. Chelsea and Erin were interns Spring of 10. Carra and Gavin were interns Summer of 10, and I am an intern Fall 10. It was very cool to think about.

So i got up very early the next morning after getting about 3 hours of sleep and drove 5 hours to Statesboro, GA. It was full of lots of caffeine and loud music to stay awake. I got there about 2 hours before the wedding checked into the hotel and got ready. The wedding was beautiful and Agata looked beautiful. The reception was a lot of fun. There were a lot of young people there so people were dancing. Plus there was free wine and beer :) The next morning after breakfast with Tina and Seth i drove 4 hours back to FL and moved in with Linda for the week.

On Monday I spent the day at Pathways helping Katina the new CV who took over my position get oriented and tell her about the positions. I think she'll do well. The rest of the week was spent getting ready and just hanging out around the house. It was really nice. Linda cooked and I had a delicious home cooked meal Monday and Tuesday night. Her son Paul is a chef and he came over Tuesday night for dinner and brought some stuff. Wednesday night we ordered pizza and Thursday she took me out for Mexican and ice cream. It was like being home with a mom again. It was nice having someone to take care of me for a little bit. Friday afternoon I packed up and I drove down to Cocoa to move into the inter house and begin my new adventure.

The last year has been an incredible up and down crazy adventure. I have learned so much. some of it the hard way but I learned it non the less. I'm excited to move on and get to know all the new people coming into my life and to use the skills I have learned in school and through life.

Love and miss you all

End of a Year

In two weeks my year of service comes to an end, its mind boggling to me that an entire year has gone by. I can distinctly remember sitting in the hotel room after dropping my mom off at the airport and thinking, “this is going to be the longest year ever “ and now it’s almost over. When I came to FL I had this idea in my head about changing the world. To me being a hero and changing the world were doing things like finding a cure for cancer, or ending a war, or finding some big discovery. I think this is the thought of a lot of people today. But what I have discovered this year that to me it’s not the big people of this country like the president, the military leaders, CEOs, or even the people who run the non profits that are the heroes and the world changers and it’s not the grand gestures either. I’ve discovered that it’s the little things that can change the world. It’s a smile and a hello. It’s painting a picture and talking and sharing stories from when you were little. Its dropping what you are doing and rushing to a friend’s side when they need you. It’s holding a child when they are crying. It’s helping someone when no one else will. So even though there were and are days where I feel so completely and utterly frustrated and I can’t even begun to see the point of me being down here I do know that what I have done down here this year has made a difference.

I have loved, laughed, cried, fought, and been furious this year. I’ve grown up this year. I’ve seen life outside the safety of college, family, and familiarity and the best part is I survived and even flourished. Even though I can complain a lot about this year and the situations I’ve been put in, I am SO glad that I came down here. If I didn’t come to FL I never would have met the amazing people that I did. I wouldn’t be able to count the 16 other CVs as part of my family. I never would have attended the MOVE conference with TWLOHA and then I never would have met Brandi, Erin, and Chelsea who then encouraged me to apply for the internship. If I wasn’t living in FL I never would have had the courage to apply and now I am going to be experiencing one of my dreams. Working with an organization that I deeply respect and in a field that is near and dear to my heart.
But mixed in with the excitement of the internship and the thoughts of new friends and new adventure is the bittersweet thoughts of saying goodbye. The 16 people I have lived with this year have become so very dear to me. They have walked along side me during some very hard times. I will miss them terribly and the thought of saying goodbye breaks my heart. And I swear if one more adult tells me this is normal for someone my age and I’ll see them again and they’ll still be in my heart blah blah blah I swear I will scream. Haha I know they are well meaning but it sucks and it hurts. Anyways life is good and I never in a million years imagined that a year out of college that this is where I would be. I always thought that I would be in grad by now. I don’t regret though and I couldn’t happier about the choices that led me here.

An Updately Sort of Thing

I have gotten horrible about updating this blog and since I only have a month left down here I thought I would pop in and let all 8 of you fabulous people who read this a look into the past few months. Well there has been a week long retreat. Where we had a day of silence. I did amazingly well. There was about an hour where I faltered a bit but eh oh well Jesus forgives me. I also bashed my head open and may or may not have gotten a concussion (if you ask I'll show you the scar). There was a 2 hour game of sardines where an 1 of it was spent looking for 1 guy. There was also a talent show full of stories, interpretive corn hole dance, rap songs, Broadway songs, Polish songs with words that sounds like bad words in English, and judges that were a bit sketchy. And to end the week a trip to Taco Johns and an Alumni party.

I also had the chance to go to Cocoa and hang out with the girls who I had met at MOVE and were intern with TWLOHA. It was wonderful. We had lunch at Ryans a pizza place in the village and spent a few hours at the beach. Then I made all the girls lunch back a the bungalow. It was a great day and i absolutely love spending time with all of them. I've spent very little time with the girls but especially Erin, Brandi, and Chelsea, but I feel so close to them. I consider them to be good friends. :)

One of the best things to be going on recently is that I have applied to be an intern for To Write Love On Her Arms. Last week I got an email stating that I got through the first round of applications and they wanted to interview me. So I set up an interview with Lindsay the intern director for this past Tuesday. I think interview went really well. Lindsay told me that I would know either the first or second week of July whether or not I got the internship.

The internship is 4 months long, August 16-December 10. If I don't get the internship the plan is to come home, find a job, start saving money, and go to grad school.

So yeah those are the big things that have been going on. Other than that, I've just been going to work and hanging out with my friends.

Love and miss you all

Easter in Atlanta

The week after going to the baseball game I only worked 3 1/2 days. Friday was good Friday and Thursday i took a half day so I could drive to Atlanta to spend Easter with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. Chaleece and I drove up on Thursday and Tine drove up on Friday after work.



Friday we all just laid around the house. The basement is basically like an apartment and he bedroom down there is amazing! The bed is so soft and comfortable and there are no windows so it is pitch black with the lights off. You have no way of knowing what time it is. It was so nice. Savannah, Katie, Challece, and I ran a few errands with aunt Barb and when we got back to the house we dyed Easter eggs. will admit that on the outside I was rolling my eyes doing the whole "I'm 23 and WAY to old to be doing this." But on the inside I was squealing and had a stupid grin on my face. So the 4 of us girls dyed eggs and Savannah managed to spill orange dye all down her leg and her foot was that color for a few hours.

Tina arrived around 11pm as everyone was heading to bed. The next morning we all got up and along with a friend of Katie's went to the World of Coke. It was really cool. It had been many, many years since I had been there and they had done a bunch of renovations. Chaleece was in heaven running around touching and looking at everything :) It was really cool. They had a 4-D short video. I was a little wary at first because i was traumatized by the Honey i Shrunk The Audience movie at Disney World when i was 8. So I pretty much hate 3D movies. But I survived. Actually I just stared at the bottom of the screen and kinda watched the movie through my eyelashes. haha

So we headed back to the house and just spent the evening watching movies and relaxing. Sunday we got up and went to Dunwoody for church. Tina, Chaleece, Savannah and I went to Sunday school with Savannah. It was a good message. It was great people kept asking what grade we were in and what school we went to. Plus most of teh room was full of adorable, awkward middle school boys. So the 3 of us went to big people church and then home. My mom had called my aunt and told her to get me chocolate bunny since she didn't get a chance to. My aunt made a basket not only for me and her kids but for Chaleece and Tina. It was a wonderful surprise. A Friend of Aunt Barb's came over and we had Easter dinner. Again the rest of the evening was spent relaxing there was a house wide nap at one point which was wonderful :)

Savannah recently got a recording studio type computer program and basically has a recording studio in the basement. A while back she said she would help me put music to some lyrics that I had written. So the two of us spent a few hours playing around. Then a friend of Savannah's came over and we were about to eat dinner when Aunt Barb starts saying "oh no we didn't have the egg hunt." So at 7:30 with the last bits of light Chaleece, Tina, and I hid Easter eggs and Katie went looking for them. There were 47 eggs I think and we hid them all. By the time Katie got outside though it was pretty much dark so she couldn't find all of the eggs. It was decided that she was going to go looking for them the next day. I'm not sure if they have found them all yet.

Monday morning Chaleece, Tina, and I got up early and headed off to the retreat center, which we had to get there by 4pm. it was a wonderful relaxing weekend. I got to sleep in, I didn't have to worry about work, or cooking, or cleaning. It was wonderful mini vaca. Plus I love spending time with my family.

Love and miss you all

A Visit, A Funeral, A Bar, And A Baseball Game

Ok this is the next week starting with Saturday night.

So I got home around 6:30pm that night and unpacked. My parents and sister were flying in to spend the week in FL. They got in around 7 and I met them at the condo where they were staying for the week. I got there and we ordered pizza and just relaxed. Everyone was tired. The next day Em and I slept in until 2pm which was SO wonderful since I had not done that in forever and just had two nights where I was up until around 3am. We spent Sunday hanging around the condo and went grocery shopping. I ended up going back to my house since I wasn’t sure what the traffic was going to be like to get to work. So while I was at work Monday the family just laid around the pool and dad went fishing. I went over to the condo after work that night and we were making dinner when we got a call from the nursing home that my grandma had passed away. At that point all hell kind of broke loose. Tuesday Dad and Emily came and painted the intake bathroom and Mom and Emily came on Wednesday and the three of us went shopping for towels and such. The bathroom is gorgeous and Jane is absolutely thrilled with it. I am in the process of doing something similar in the intake room and the walls around the reception desk.

Thursday mom, dad, and Emily went to epcot and I worked. Then Friday I went over to the condo after work. I was going to fly home with them on Saturday for the funeral. On Saturday our check out time was 11 but we didn’t need to be at the airport until around 4pm. So we just laid by the pool for several hours. It was nice. I got some sun. Well I got sunburnt actually. So we flew home and mom’s friends picked us up at the airport. The next 6 days were a whirlwind of plan making, people and pretty much stuff that I didn’t want to deal with. Monday I had the chance to spend a few hours with my good friends Lauren. We met or lunch at Paradise bakery, then went shopping, and got our nails done. It was wonderful to see her. I miss her terribly and it was a nice distraction from the events. Afterwards I went over and hung out with Kami for a couple hours and talked with her and saw her kids.

The funeral was absolutely beautiful and def what my grandma would have wanted. She did plan it all herself after all. I said two verses at the service and then read a poem at the graveside. I flew back to Orlando on Thursday and went back to work on Friday.

Friday night, Lauren, Chaleece, Chaleece’s cousin, Amanda, and I went to a piano bar in downtown Disney. I was a dueling pianos thing. People wrote down their requests and put them along with a tip on the piano and the guys played the songs. The guys playing were hilarious and they played some really good stuff. We all had a lot of fun and didn’t get home until 2am. Saturday Lauren, Amanda, Neal, and I went to Tampa. Lauren, Amanda, Neal, and Jonathan went to Busch Gardens and I stayed at home and was a couch potato. The next morning the 5 of us drove to Ft. Meyers to see a Twins vs. Red Sox spring training game. It was fun, I’m not a big baseball fan but I enjoyed the company and the weather was nice. We drove back to Tampa after the game dropped Jonathan of and then drove home. In all we spent a total of 7 out of 24 hours in the car and since we took my car needless to say I was sick of driving by the end of the weekend.

MOVE Conference

I need to get better with my blogging. I now need to play catch up since a whole month has passed a very busy one at that and I haven’t blogged about any of it. I’m going to start at the beginning of March and probably to a couple posts on the month so that each post isn’t to horribly long. So here is the beginning.

The second week of March I had the opportunity to go to a two day conference that To Write Love On Her Arms was putting on called MOVE. It was in Coca beach. I got a room for two nights and was so excited to go. I ended up getting hooked up with this girl named Rachel who wanted to share a hotel room. She lives in Orlando so I suggested we meet and carpool down saving money. She was cool and we had fun chatting on the way down. We went Thursday night and got there around 8pm. We ended up just hanging in the hotel room. Friday morning we got up and went to the conference room. I was nervous about meeting all the new people and the TWLOHA interns and staff. I walked up to the registration table and was warmly greeted by Kaitlyn and one of the interns. I was welcomed by everyone and felt at ease instantly. The first day our speaker was Aaron Moore; a licensed counselor who has a practice with his wife in Orlando. He presented info on depression, anxiety, and addiction. As far as information presentation goes I felt a bit like I was back in psych class. But it was different. From the very beginning everyone made it clear that this weekend was about dialogue. The speaker as well as the interns and TWLOHA staff wanted to hear from us. They wanted to know our stories. What we had seen work and not work. I thought it was a wonderful way of talking about the topics and getting info out there. As the day was winding down we were informed that there was a surprise. Well in walked Damion Suomi and Lauris Vidal. I was so excited and tried to keep my fan girl squeals to a minimum J the guys each played 2 songs and we were dismissed when they were done.

So that day’s sessions ended around 5. Rachel and I went back to our room and just hung out and ordered pizza. Damion and the Minor Prophets and Lauris were going to be playing a show at a local bar that night to raise money for a trip to SXSW in TX. So Rachel and I went. Other than us there was only one other person from the conference there so the three of us hung out with the TWLOHA interns the whole night. Rachel ended up wanting to leave around 11:30 so I quickly took her back to the hotel and went back to the bar after that. I had an absolute blast that night. I got to know the interns listened to some amazing music and just laughed. I was talking with one of the girls Brandi and I mentioned how much I would love to be an intern. How my dream job would be to work for TWLOHA. But I felt like I had to be an adult and couldn’t do a 4 month unpaid internship. She really encouraged me. She said if it was something that I was passionate about then I should just go for it. It can’t hurt to apply. So that is exactly what I am doing. I am in the process of applying for the fall internship. If I were to get it then I would be staying in FL until December. Anyways I had a lot of fun and I got to know some pretty amazing people. I didn’t get back to the hotel until around 1:30am and didn’t go to bed until 3am.

The next day the speaker was Michelle Moore. She presented eating disorders and self-injury. Then we did a basic QPR training. QPR stands for Question, Pursue, and Refer. It gave info on recognizing the signs of someone who is suicidal, the questions to ask, and how to get them help. It was really helpful and I hope to someday be fully qualified in suicide prevention response, so I can work a hotline or even take part in TWLOHA IMALIVE program. So Saturday’s sessions ended around 3. I bought some t-shirts said goodbye and Rachel and I left for Orlando. I was sad to leave my new friends, but I left invigorated and excited about a possible future and a reignited passion to help.

You Are Not Naked

Found this on one of my favorite blogs stuffchristianslike.net and wanted to share

Easter is about grace. And when I think about grace, one of the things that stops me short of believing in it is shame. This post, written last year, is about shame and grace and the reason we’re not naked.
I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and peel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.
Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, “Yo dad, I’d like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don’t know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let’s pretend that’s hurt.”
But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t want to wear that band-aid.” She replied.
“Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid.” I said.
“I’ll look silly.” She answered.
Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:
“Who told you that you were silly?”
I didn’t though. That question didn’t bloom in my head until much later and I didn’t understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they’ve hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:
“Who told you that you were naked?”
There is hurt in God’s voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.
Who told you that you were not enough?
Who told you that I didn’t love you?
Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?
Who told you that you were ugly?
Who told you that your dream was foolish?
Who told you that you would never have a child?
Who told you that you would never be a father?
Who told you that you weren’t a good mother?
Who told you that without a job you aren’t worth anything?
Who told you that you’ll never know love again?
Who told you that this was all there is?
Who told you that you were naked?
I don’t know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were
people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don’t know what lies you’ve been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.
But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, “Who told you that you were naked?”
And He’s still asking us that question because we are not.
In Christ we are not worthless.
In Christ we are not hopeless.
In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.
In Christ we are not naked.
Isaiah 61:10 it says:
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.
The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you’ll always be, but know this.
As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:
You are not naked

How can a short month feel so long?

So February is FINALLY over. This month for some reason just seemed to drag on and on. Which is kind of funny since it is the shortest month of the year. Not much happened during the month. Valentine’s Day weekend Lauren and I went up to Jacksonville. We went to see Dear John and hung out with Sarah and Kim. We tried to hang out in Jacksonville as late as possible because Michael had plans at the house for Rebecca. SO Lauren and I pull up to our house and it appears that no lights are on. So we sneak up and start looking in windows, which to an outsider probably looked like we were planning on breaking in. But Michael and Rebecca were there and heard us and Michael opens the door and scares the crap out of me. So Lauren and I walked in and there were flower petals and floating candles everywhere. IT was all very pretty. There was a trail of flowers that led upstairs and to Rebeccas room. So Lauren and I are standing there staring at all of this and Michael tells us that there is a trail that leads into our rooms. So we head upstairs and Michael had bought Lauren and I some candy and wrote us each a note telling us what he loves about us. It was SO sweet.
The next weekend we had our monthly spiritual meeting. It was at Emi's and the theme was love. We discussed where we have seen love in our lives. We had a delicious meal and several of us were sitting aound the dining room table and got into a dabate about religion, faith, and denominations. It got pretty heated but them Lauren had to leave becasue of work so I didn't get to hear the rest of it, but from what I hear it got interesting.
There really hasn't been much else going on. I just work, and hang out with the CVs.
Next weekend and the week following though are going to be awesome. March 12th and 13th I am going to a TWLOHA conference in Cocoa Beach. I can't wait! Then Saturday my parents and sister are comign down for the week. I'm so excited to see them I miss them alot. I can't wait to show them around Orlando and the life I have been living for the past 7 months.

Love and miss you all <3

4 Years

I've been trying to write this post for the past 2 weeks. I was telling Lauren about this and she said that I should just sit down and write. Don't worry about it making sense or editing out the stuff I may not want certain people to read. So here goes...

This is a hard post for me to write, and I'm sure for some with will be hard to read. This month 4 years ago I sat in my dorm room with all the lights off, crying and almost ended my life. I was horribly depressed and just ready to be done with feeling all the pain, hurt, and never fully feeling okay. I can't really tell you what stopped me from taking the pills. It wasn't some act of God or a determination to live and push through. I just didn't take them and I am SO glad I didn't.
I don't talk about that night very often, and when I do it's said almost in passing. The same goes with talking about my battle with depression and an eating disorder. I think sometimes I want to pretend it never happened because that means there is never the possibility that it will happen again. I also pretend it never happened because I get angry, really angry. I feel like my teen years and a good portion of college was stolen from me because I was just trying to make from one day to the next. I wanted so desperately to feel ok. To feel normal (whatever that means) I was so consumed by this never ending sadness that I missed what was going on around me. I missed enjoying being young and having little responsibility. I missed truly enjoying the friends I had and the opportunities that were presented.
But as much as all of that makes me angry I can't dwell on it. I have to focus on the present and what is in store for me in the future. I also have to continually remind myself that my depression and eating disorder helped to make me who I am today, but they don't define me. I am so much more than a diagnosis.
I want to take the time right now to thank those who stood next to me walked through the darkness and into the light and who continually stand next to me and I navigate through life. For those who put their lives on hold to listen to me talk, who held me when I cried, and who encouraged me to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up. I want to thank those who never gave up on me. I can never thank you enough. You will forever be a part of my life and a reason I am who I am.


Love and miss you all
<3

My Future

February marks 6 months since I moved down to FL to volunteer. While some weeks seemed to drag on forever the last few months have simply flown by. This means that i only have 6 more months to do everything that I wanted to do, to explore this state, and spend as much time as possible with the people who have become my family. But this also means that I have maybe 3 months to figure out what it is I want to do when my year is done. One of the reasons I decided to do a year of service was to take some time off from school. To clear my head and get away from test, papers, and projects. I thought that by coming down here it would just be a little vacation from school and a snippet of the real world and what to expect when I was ready to enter it permanently.


So what conclusions about my life have I come to in the past 6 months and what are the otions I see for my future. Well for one I don't really want to go back to school. I know I have to because there is no way to get a job as a counselor without a masters. But bleh!
I have also discovered that the idea of graduating and being in one place at one job until I retire DOES NOT sounds fun to me. I like moving around and trying new things, new jobs, new experiences.
Finally whether I get a full time job in some other area or decide to do another year of service with AmeriCorp, or even if I decide to go to grad school I don't know where I want to do it. For the first few months I whined and was adimit that as soon as possible I was going to get out of FL and return to IN to my friends, family, and familiarity. But things have changed. WHile I'm not 100% sold on staying in FL, I know what I would be leaving if I went back to IN, and to think about that makes me want to cry. I also have an idea of what would happen if I moved back and that idea doesn't appeal to me either.

So yeah as of right now the plan for the future changes sometimes on a daily basis. I would greatly appreciate prayer for discernment, trust, and wisdom and I move forward in making decisions. Also if any of you have any words of wisdom or ideas, or people that are looking for a counselor without a masters let me know.

Love and miss you all
<3

It's My Birthday And You Have To Do What I Say

I find myself with the incessant need to describe my surroundings when I start a blog entry. Like right now I'm at work, my ipod is playing in the background, the fluorescent lights are giving me a headache and I can smell what I'm afraid is fish cooking in the cafeteria. SEE I don't know why i feel the need to say all this, but I have a sneaky feeling that its because i want all those who read my blog to get a genuine feeling of where I am. Or something profound like that :)


Anyways, Jan. 14-17 was another CVIF retreat. And it also happened to be my birthday weekend (yes I said weekend). So Wednesday night Jamathan (this is the nickname given to Jonathan and James) came up from Tampa and we hung out watched a movie or was it 24. I can’t remember I just know they were there. So we got up Thursday and finished getting ready. Jamathan left and we were right behind them when Lauren realized she didn’t have her wallet and couldn’t find it. So Rebecca, Lauren and I spent about and hour searching the house and Catholic Charities looking for it. Unfortunately we didn’t find it and Laurens thinks it may have been stolen. So the three of us took off and headed towards Green Cove Springs. It was a great car ride. We talked/counseled each other, danced like idiots, and listened to the musical stylings of NSYNC, Spice Girls, Britney Spears, and Hanson. Good times :)


So we arrived and everyone was just hanging out and getting dinner ready. We had a brief intro and then ate dinner. After dinner we had a husband and wife team who spoke about their prison ministry with inmates in solitary confinement and on death row. It was really interesting and definitely gave me things to think about when it comes to the death penalty. Friday we listened and discussed discernment for our lives. We then went and helped sort clothes and such at a thrift store that helps to fund a battered women's shelter. That night we had some alumni CVs come and teach about effective communication. We learned about "I, me" statements and how to discuss our feelings. It was totally a flashback to my psych classes but fun none the less. Saturday we got up and traveled to St. Augustine to spend time with the retired nuns that live there and tour the mother house (which by the way er kept calling the mother ship all day :) ) The nuns were so sweet. They were all in their 70s and 80s even a couple in their 90s and all but one were from Ireland. It was amazing to listen to them talk about their years of service and all that they had done. When were done with dinner we were released to go and do whatever we wanted around St. Augustine. Almost all the group decided to head to a bar to celebrate my birthday. We ended up at this place called Scarlett O'Hara's. It was really cool, there were all these paintings of the characters all over the place and fun drink names. We were there for a few hours and people started to trickle out. Around 11:30pm those of us who were left decided to go get something to eat. James had been talking about going to the Huddle House all weekend so we decided to try and find it.
Now lets pause for a second while I describe this place its essentially a Waffle House with a different name. Like the inside even looks like a Waffle House. But according to James the Huddle House is better. Plus apparently they are really friendly on facebook and twitter so they must be better. hehe The thing about this place is that no one knew for sure where it was. We had seen one on our way to St. Augustine but we couldn't remember where. So its 11pm in a town we don;t know driving around looking for a restaurant we think we saw. So lets continue shall we, so I get in a car with James an Kyle and Tina, Amanda, Zach, and Neal get in another car and we head out. After driving around for 30mins the other car gives up and just goes back to the retreat center. But James REALLY wanted to go so we continues looking. So after an hour in the car, going to the wrong Huddle House and random made up stories from Kyle to keep me awake we arrive at the Huddle House. So we arrive at about 12:30am eat and then head back to the retreat center. It was about 2am when we got back and we all collapsed into bed.
The next morning we got up did closing business and got in our cars to head home. On the way home Rebecca and Lauren picked up birthday cake mix. When we got home I checked the mail and I had 3 packages waiting for me. I was so excited to open them. I got some really great things from my grandpa and his wife, and my parents. So after opening presents and playing with my new toys, I went to a bible study at St. Margaret Mary with Lauren, Rebecca, and Michael. When we got back we had cake and Tina, Amanda, Chaleece, and Neal came over and had some too.

So the whole weekend was really fun. it was nice to get away from Orlando and work and just hang out with my friends. The next retreat is in April and it is a week long.

Love and miss you all
<3

Heavy and Light

Its 1:30am, I smell like smoke, my hair is greasy and I'm absolutely exhausted. But I don't care about any of it. i don't notice it. I'm riding that high you get when have a great night with people you love and the feeling you have after seeing a great concert that absolutely touched you.
After a long week of work I was SO looking forward to tonight. Tonight was the To Write Love On Her Arms, "Heavy and Light" kickoff concert. TWLOHA is having a 2 day conference here in Orlando this weekend and tomorrow is the actual big concert at the House of Blues. Tonight was I think a bit spur of the moment thingy. It was really cool. It was held at a place called The Social in downtown Orlando. The show was 18 and up so the crowd was older. There were maybe 100-150 people there. Everyone was just hanging out, getting something to drink and talking. What I loved about tonight was everyone was there for the same reason. Yeah at a normal concert people are there because they enjoy the same artists but tonight was different. people were there for the music but they were there because of the cause. Because they believe in what TWLOHA stands for and it mission.
Being in that room I was once again reminded that I am not alone in my struggles and that other people feel the same way and other people want to help. which isn't that TWLOHA whole idea? (it is)
The music was wonderful a mix of upbeat fun lyrics, and slow haunting songs about love, loss, and finding the truth.
One of my favorite songs was about the artists year spent in DC. How he was broke and depressed. A line in the song is "Riches of stories and poor of pocket" Chaleece was sitting next to me and we looked at each other and both exclaimed "that SO describes our year"
Another reason that i enjoyed myself so much was the people I was with. Lauren, Chaleece, Rebecca, and Michael all came with me. These people are individuals that i have come to love and cherish dearly. They have been there to listen, encourage, pick me up, and generally keep me going day to day. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for them and their love I would not still be down here. I would have gone home months ago.
The whole night was just wonderful and definitely something I will remember.

Love and miss you all

Invisibility

This is an entry from a blog called "Stuff Christians Like."

If you change clothes in a handicapped bathroom stall at work, never start with your pants.
For some reason, people in other stalls freak out if you strip your pants completely off in a bathroom. I find it’s best to start with your shirt or sweater. Focus on your torso until the bathroom is empty and then change out of your jeans.
These are the valuable lessons that people like Max Lucado refuse to share, but not me. I’ll tell you everything, because right now, everything is weird.
I learned the bathroom lesson after a quick trip to Chicago. I had spoken to a bunch of people as the last speaker at the Cultivate Conference. Then I got up at 4AM the next morning and caught a flight to Atlanta. I rode the train right to work, grabbed a clean pair of khakis out of my car, which I had left behind, and changed back into work mode.
Less than 12 hours later, it was like the whole Chicago thing hadn’t happened. The 150 folks, the speech, the Q&A session, that was fiction now. Fact was me sitting in an IT meeting looking at an excel spreadsheet.
Has that ever happened to you? You had a quick brush with an extraordinary life. You got to do something you loved doing. It was a mission trip you went on. You worked with some kids and remembered how much you love teaching and how little you like being an accountant. Or you painted or played music or did a million other things that sent a little shockwave through your heart.
“This, this is it! This is what I was created to do. I am alive in this. This is me!”
And then you went back to a day job. You went back to the real world. And that other thing, the music, the ministry, the whatever, faded back into the recesses of your imagination.
Those moments are not fun. Those moments can be incredibly frustrating. I will not try to soften the edges of those moments with pithy words. But I will say, I think I know why I keep having those moments.
My disappointment of trying to live an extraordinary life in the middle of an ordinary day stems from one simple fact:
I don’t want the gift of invisibility.
What’s that? That’s the season of life God usually grants before things get loud. Call it training, call it refinement, call it whatever you want, but it’s usually a time when regardless of your best efforts, things do not seem to go your way.
We hate those periods. We hate them because we are constantly searching for “Goliath moments.” We want the big, bold dramatic moments when the spotlight shines bright and we do something great. (A recent survey showed that something like 80% of the millennial generation felt like they’d be famous when they grew up.) No one wants the shepherd part of David’s life. The idea of being alone, in a field, for years with a bunch of sheep doesn’t inspire anyone. You can’t put that on a poster. You can’t fire up a crowd with tales from the quiet years of David’s life. But the truth is, you don’t get Goliath David without Shepherd David. Before he fought a giant, he wrestled bears. Before he became a king, he learned to be alone. Before he was great, he was invisible.
Maybe you are too right now. Maybe that thing you’re trying to start is not taking off. You’ve got a New Year’s resolution that you’re sticking to because this is going to be the year where you step out on an adventure and do something big for the Lord. But it already feels a little small. And that feels frustrating and really isolating, but you’re not alone in that.
Look at the Bible. Moses? 40 years of invisibility before the burning bush. Joseph? Years in prison before he became Pharaoh’s right hand man. Jesus? 30 years of invisibility followed by 40 days in the desert before his ministry became public. Over and over again we see the gift of invisibility in the Bible.
I’m in the same place you are right now. Yes, the book comes out this spring and that is a dream of visibility come true, but speaking wise, I’ve been pretty invisible. I honestly thought that after I spoke at Cross Point last July, I’d have the opportunity to speak at more churches on Sunday mornings. I thought, and this is a little embarrassing, that after I posted video of me speaking I’d have more chances to do that. You know how many times I’ve spoken at churches on a Sunday morning since July? Zero. Know how many times I’ve done that in almost two years of doing this site? One.
Then on Monday, I got rejected from the leadership program at work. Weeks after I helped lead thousands of people from around the world to build two kindergartens in Vietnam, I got told I wasn’t a leader. For the second year running. That’s not fun. It’s not fun wrestling with invisibility 40 hours a week in a cubicle where Stuff Christians Like doesn’t matter a lick. But I am convinced God gives us the gift of invisibility. I am convinced his timing is best. I am convinced he’s got me placed here because the people I work with need to know his love and that this important. I am convinced he has bears he wants us to face before we face Goliath.
That thing you’re trying to do, whether that’s start a ministry, follow your dreams or pour into your kids as much love and truth as possible, that thing is important. Don’t worry about your Goliath moment, it will come. And when it does, you’ll be glad you wrestled some bears first.


I felt like this entry spoke truth about my life right now. When I signed up to do AmeriCorp I thought that i would come to whatever site I was at and just blow everyone out of the water. I would help people and always feel like I was making a different. In my own way I was saving the world just a tiny bit. On top of that I was going to change who i was. I was going to leave the girl who was scarred by a past of depression and other crap and become this super confident, independent, super girl. (oh how i was wrong)
Fast forward 6 months and you will find me sitting behind a desk answering the phone bored out of my mind, counting down the seconds until I can get out of there for the day.
How could this be? I am the fresh out of college graduate who left her life, family, friends moved 1000 miles away to volunteer and live off $400 bucks a month. I don't deserve to be treated like some bottom of the food chain, idiot intern. I deserve to run around and save the world in my own way on my own time without someone bossing me around. (ha egotistical much)
(I have to tell you that as I'm writing this the voice in my head is yelling it, and saying stuff like "damn right" haha)
Yeah I'm telling the truth when I say all that. It definitely went through my head and still does sometimes. I def felt like I was wrestling with some bears. Not only was I learning to live in the real world, but I was homesick in the WORST way. A month after I got here I started the countdown to go home for Christmas.
But something happened while I was at home. I love being home and being with my family and seeing all my friends. But by the end of my visit I was ready to get back to FL. Let me tell you I was shocked.
Somewhere between the tantrums, the homesickness, and bad attitude I had learned to enjoy being where I was. I love the friends that I have made down here and I will miss them terribly. I even missed some of the people I work with.
Not only that but I have definitely seen how I have grown up in the past couple months. i accept my duties as they are given to me whether I like it or not. I manage to actually have money left in my account when the next pay day comes around. Growing up I used to think that being an adult meant you do everything for yourself. You figure everything out for yourself and only take help at the last desperate second. Being down here has definitely taught me that, that is a really stupid lie.

So yeah I'm starting to ramble and I'm not sure what any of that has to do with the entry I pasted above but I guess in short what I'm trying to say is, yeah I feel invisible, and probably will spend a lot of my time here feeling that way. But what I'm figuring out is sometimes you learn more, and maybe get a greater experience by being invisible. (or something like that)

Love and miss you all like crazy!